


Damn Those Theatre Kids

by jqketav



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, M/M, Mild Transphobia, Multi, chapters might be slow but im trying haha, features 'oblivious' jake who actually knows exactly what is going on, gamzee is always in the background doing weird shit, hes been flirting with your the whole time my dude, it isnt explicitly said but a lot of these characters have mental illnesses, jaketav is the main pairing but i assure you the others arent just pushed to the side, originally this was a collab but they quit on me and im trying to find someone else to help me, so this is a school au right, some hints at sexual content, tavros is the real oblivious one, tavros isnt paralyzed due to vriska and him having a better relationship, vriska and tavros are twins because of mindfang and summoner so yeah
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-06
Updated: 2017-05-06
Packaged: 2018-10-28 18:45:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10837167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jqketav/pseuds/jqketav
Summary: in which Tavros and Vriska are new kids at school, Nepeta and Dirk draw horse pornography, Vriska and Terezi are useless lesbians, the theatre kids put on a performance of Romeo and Juliet, and Jake the bear flirts with Tavros the twink and Tavros doesn't think he's actually flirting with him and it drives him crazy.newsflash asshole, ive been flirting with you the whole time





	Damn Those Theatre Kids

**Author's Note:**

> im love jake english????

**== > Be Tavros Nitram.**

**Tavros== > Get ready for your first day of school in your new house.**

Hoo boy. School. You lie in bed for a few minutes, letting your alarm blare loudly. Do you have to go to school if you fall down the stairs and break your everything? You shove the thought aside and turn your alarm off.

You get up, tripping over your backpack. While you’re on the floor, you throw a somewhat clean blue sweatshirt on your bed. Did you wear that yesterday? You can’t remember. You pick out a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and clean underwear. You chuck the shirt and boxers you wore to bed onto the floor and change into the clean clothes.

The bathroom awaits you. You take a piss and kick the dirty clothes left in the room into a corner. You carefully try not to step on Vriska’s makeup while on your way to the mirror. You adjust your septum ring and pick at a pimple before ruffling up your mohawk with gelled hands and brushing it to satisfaction. Yeah, you look like a total disaster.

Speaking of disasters, you have yet to hear Vriska get out of her bed, only hearing your moms yells of “Vriska get up!” and the replies of “I’ll get up don’t worry about it!”. You think that’s been going on for twenty minutes. You enter Vriska’s messy room.

“Uh, Vris, you’ve been saying you’ll get up for twenty minutes. But you’re still trying to sleep.” You poke your sister, who is currently sleeping.

Vriska rolls over, her tangled mess of black hair sticking up everywhere. Both of you have fairly pale skin, and ever since Vriska dyed her hair black she looks like a vampire, but with blue eyes and no fangs. She brushes a small bit to the side so she can look at you. “Beauty sleep, Tavros. There’s a reason I have legs like these.” She sticks her thin leg up, almost hitting you in the face. “And besides there’s nothing important to do today. Don’t wake me up at 7 am ever again. I’ll call the police.” She rolls back over and buries herself underneath a mound of blankets.

“Kiiiiiiiids you better not be sleeping!” yells Mom Serket, usually known as “The Momquise” by you and Vriska. It’s… an inside joke.

“911 I’m being harassed,” Vriska yells back, still under the blanket, “the suspects are in my home!”

You dramatically point a finger at her. “You have no evidence! You can’t convict me!” DAMN RIGHT SHE CAN’T CONVICT!

“I’ll convict both of you if you don’t get in my car in five minutes! You’ll miss school and I’m not going to write a note excusing your absence.” Okay, well SHE can convict, you guess. 

Vriska yells, “Fuck!” and leaps out of bed, kicking her blanket off of her. “I’m up, Mom!”

“Sure you are.”

**Tavros== > Get thrown into the gauntlet of public education and socialization.**

You quickly grab a granola bar and off you go! To- you look down at your schedule- art class!

The first thing you see when entering the class is someone standing on the table, talking loudly about the proper way to wield a rapier and criticizing a poor student for their incorrect painting. Next, of course, was someone drawing something /VERY/ suggestive. They looked like the physical representation of the word ‘nya’, with a blue cat hat and tail and even a cleft lip to match. The painting was mostly light colors, and her dark hand stood out while she was painting.

Upon closer inspection, it appeared to be a classmate and a horse. Upon CLOSER closer inspection, it was said sword guy screaming earlier. You could spot the light blonde spiky hair, glasses, and light skin from where you are. To the left was someone eating a pie. Like, a WHOLE FUCKING PIE. They had white face paint on and it didn’t even look smudged. There should have been no way that their tangled mess of red hair hadn’t gotten pie on it, but somehow it was true. You want to know their secret.

This is going to be an.... interesting... class. You were thankful your parents took care of everything beforehand, so you walk up to your teacher and ask where you sit. She tells you to join a group and that they’ll explain the project. 

“Oh hey! Who’s that?” The person painting the suggestive horse and sword person looks towards you excitedly. “Nice hair!” She flips her own brown hair and goes back to work. You run a shaky hand through your mohawk (Damn you, social anxiety!) and stutter a thank you before sitting down at a table alone. Time to procrastinate trying to socialize like a normal person! It’s WHAT YOU DO BEST.

**Tavros== > Fondly regard your old school.**

Ah, those were the days. Your friends barely treated you like a person, but that was okay. At least you had friends. Now you only have Vriska. Hmm… MAYBE?? you could make some new friends here? Impossible sounding, but this is art class, where everyone is usually a social outcast like YOU.

Horse drawing guy seemed nice, but it probably wouldn’t be a good idea to draw the teacher’s attention to the painting. Sword guy was, well, sword-guy was loud and, frankly, pretentious. You don’t want to interrupt pie guy’s breakfast time. Would a whole pie count as breakfast? Maybe to that guy it does. How could anyone eat a whole pie? Everyone else seems unavailable- either asleep, in their own big group, or even ordering a pizza.

The two involved in the lewd art piece catch you staring at the painting. You quickly look away, and pull out your sketchbook. You merely draw a circle before giving up.

“Nyello!”

You leap out of your seat, landing on the tile floor. NO, you didn’t squeak. Of COURSE not. You look up, seeing both people involved in the (probably against the rules) painting. “I- I- uh- hi?” Fuck! Stupid stutter.

“If you’re going to be greeting me in a question, then I guess I should return the favor. Salutations? I’m Dirk? That’s Nepeta?” He holds his hand out towards you, then addresses the other one. “And if you’re going to try and insert ‘nya’ into every single word you can, at least try to make it sound like ‘nya’ instead of a dissnyapointment.”

“Nyi nyill nyever, nyirk.” Nepeta sticks out her tongue in response, then winks at you with a smirk. If this were whatever anime Dirk came from, her olive eyes would’ve sparkled in mischief.

“Thanks,” You say sheepishly and take Dirk’s hand. “I-I’m Tavros.” Aw, fuck. They’re both taller than you. Nepeta’s buff and you honestly want to hug her and let her crush your ribcage. Dirk probably does gymnastics or something because despite being sorta thin he’s strong enough to pull you up without trouble. But that’s not really that much of an achievement. You sit back down, take a deep breath, and try to pretend like nothing happened.

Nepeta slams her hands down on the table excitedly, nearly making you jump out of your seat again, and says, “You're new here, right?” You nod, and she continues. “Dirk, Tavros can work on the project with us!”

“The...” You glance over at Dirk, who’s wiping something off of his anime shades. He looks you in the eye. Oh hey, you have the same eye color. Neato. “...horse pornography?”

“Shhhhhhh!!!” Nepeta paps you on the cheek softly. “I like to think of it as the pinnacle of Dirk’s love life.”

You raise an eyebrow. “Uh, was he involved with a horse, or something…?”

“It's a metaphor, Tavros. Nyataphor. Metnyaphor. Nyavros.” She slams her hands down on the table excitedly and says,”METAFUR.” When you ask her what the metaphor is, she starts cackling. Must be some inside joke or something.

Dirk snorts. “Welcome to art class, where everyone is either gay, a social outcast, a furry, or a combination of the three. Those are fucked up amalgams of horrors who wear green trench coats, cut their hair with safety scissors, and draw suggestive bullshit with a horse.” Nepeta takes off her coat and drapes it over his head. You start laughing loudly. “Excuse you, I cut my hair with actual scissors that have never been in the hands of a six year old, thank you very much.”

“You didn't deny the furry part, it seems,” you say, trying to talk while laughing.

“You met me three minutes ago and now you are insisting it. It's a new record.” Dirk calls over to Nepeta, saying, “The record was broken, bring our champ here a platinum metal, with the shitty horse engraving and the silk. Make sure it doesn't have ‘In Jake's Ass We Trust’ because the new motto is ‘Nepeta Stop Scaring The New Kid’ and for various other reasons.”

“I only have tin foil and some string from Walmart.”

Dirk shrugs. “Good enough.” Nepeta goes to work on the medal, not understanding the sarcasm of the statement due to Dirk’s constant monotonous speech. You have SO many questions...

“So, you just moved here, huh?” Dirk leans on the table nonchalantly. “This place is the epitome of the dull, half-assed work of middle-aged straight men. I’m talking five bars, all with sexed up pictures of curvy women, and way too many people knocking on your door to ask if you would like to enslave yourself to the lord and savior Jesus Christ. Maybe you could ask your parents to move then go off and run away into the sunset- bedazzled cowboy boots and hat and everything- when they say no.” He faces you during his entire monologue, so you assume he made unblinking eye contact the whole time.

You lean slightly away from him, but still laugh in response. “Geez, it’s like my Grandparent’s place all over again. ‘Sweetie, where’s the bible I gifted to you?’ Clearly, not anywhere near the room where I reside in, because despite knowing exactly what it entails, I am still expected to follow the religion of family members I see twice a year.”

“Or Kankri’s,” Dirk says. When you ask who Kankri is, Dirk’s response is, “The dude with the second best ass in theatre. It's especially impressive because he also gets all his ideas about the world from it. He really makes the best out of that tight, tight ass.”

“Oh hey I’m in theatre.”

Dirk stares at you. “Good fucking luck. You have to be in another class with me.”

Looking at the almost pornographic horse painting, Dirk’s anime everything, and the blank stare he was giving him, you think about your next words very carefully. “Well, personally, I don't.. I don’t really think you're all that bad,” You reply before Dirk cuts you off.

“If I still had any serotonin anywhere in my brain, I'd be laughing in your face.” You snort. That sounds like something Vris would say.

Nepeta runs back over with the newly created medal. She waves it in Dirk’s face enthusiastically. “I nyade it, dork!”

“I nyused snyarcasm.”

“God dammit,” Nepeta mumbles, smacking her face with both hands. She drops the medal onto the table next to Dirk.

“Calm your furry tits,” He says monotonously. Dirk picks it up and puts it around her neck. “I dub you most gullible, I guess. If you need to be most something.”

Nepeta shrugs and sits down on the table. “So Tavros? How’s everything going?” You shrug. “You got a datemate?” You shake your head. “Ooh Dirk, Tavros could be your datemate after Jake- mmmhhmmphh.”

Dirk removes his hand from Nepeta’s mouth, wiping it on her trenchcoat. “I can’t believe you licked me. Now I’ve been infected. If I come in tomorrow in a fursuit I’m coming for you first, Nepeta. And no, stop trying to hook me up with people. I’ve got enough of my sick ass swag I can walk up to a guy any time and he’ll be on his knees begging for me. I don’t need your furry advice, it only works on cats. Plus, our dude Tavros here might not be into guys.” You snort loudly at this.

“Even straight as a rail Egbert?”

“He’s about as straight as your armpit hair, if this weekend has anything to say about it.”

Nepeta lifts up her arm, looking at the curly hairs, realizes, and nearly screams, “OOOOOOHHHHH!!!”

You laugh and ask Dirk, “Did you just say swag?” Fuck, now YOU said it too.

“No. What are you talking about. This is 2017, Tavros. No one in their right mind says ‘swag’.”

God, he’s so confusing. But they’re both talking to you, so you guess this is a good way to spend your first period. Plus, they haven’t made any rude comments to you! This class is going so well! They end up letting you work on the project with them for the rest of class, which is not actually the horse, but a landscape. Thank god.

**Bell== > Force Tavros to leave for his next class.**

You sigh as Dirk and Nepeta gather up their things and skillfully hide the horse painting from the teacher. You wave to them as you wander down the hall. You have math with your sister next, which is entirely too boring to even contemplate writing.

(She spent half of the period talking to you about this girl in her french class that was “Totally fucking hot like in a weird way like she has pointy red glasses and she’s so weird but still hot like all she wears is a bunch of layers of neon clothes that should NOT work but she makes it work and I’m so mad about it also she grabbed my boob it was great also it turns out she’s that friend I made online I’ve been talking to for a year so that’s fun”)

**Tavros== > Go to lunch.**

“Sayonara, asshat I’ve gotta meet up with Terezi.”

Your sister has her own unique way of saying goodbye. She goes off with the girl from her French class, leaving you to go find a place to sit. You spot Dirk at a nearby table, first by his hair, then by his shades, and finally by the lack of the presence of a will to live.

**Tavros== > Walk over to him.**

“Hey, mind if I sit here?”

Dirk pauses for a moment, swallows a mouthful of cup o’ noodles, and replies, “Sure but I’m having a rap battle with my bro and you’ve gotta either keep up or shut up for that.”

You give a grin, “Hella. I think keeping up won’t be an issue.”

You were totally fucking wrong in every single way. You SUCK. BIG TIME. Before you could even consider backing out, Dirk’s brother approaches the table and immediately bursts out in rhyme.

“Hey there fuckboy, lost his boy toy, found a second rate guy, never gonna be fly, give it up and just cry.” He sat down and stared Dirk down behind his aviator shades. Wow, lots of shades in this school. Or family.

“Look at this little shit, bitch gonna get hit, with my rhymes, like he does e’ry time.”

They look at you expectantly. You cough, and start. “Just came to this school, you’re so not cool, I guess I will… uh.. rule, all of you.. tools. Fools.” Fuck. 

Dirk leans forward and puts his hands under his mouth. You think you see him blink a few times. “What the fuck,” He says finally, in a soft, almost broken voice.

“Well, hey,” Dirk’s bro turns to you, “I mean at least you aren’t. . . Iggy Azalea. She’s over here, straight up spitting. Not rhymes or anything she’s just fucking phlegming up the ground. Her fans go home with, like, seven illnesses. Oh yeah, the name’s Dave, by the way.” He looks a lot like Dirk, but he’s shorter, slightly chubby, and instead of anime hair he has a shitty undercut and curly bangs.

“Tavros,” You say before instantly clarifying, “is my name.” You offer a sheepish smile.

“Alright, Tavros, are we keeping this rap-battle up or not? Roxy’s supposed to get here soon and I can’t wait to see her kick your ass, Dirk.” Dave says, grinning at his brother.

“Not, hopefully-” Dirk is cut off by a girl approaching the table. She looks surprisingly like the two, with the same curly hair as Dave, down to her chin with her bangs dyed hot pink. You can tell that she’s taller than the two of them, and she looks like she can crush your skull with her bare hands or thighs. Her makeup could kill a man too, the eyeliner was perfect and black lipstick that actually worked. Vriska would be jealous.

“P-P-P-P-Pink wig, thick ass, give ‘em whiplash, I think big, get cash, make ‘em blink fast. Look at what you just saw, this is what you live for.” She stops rapping for one second before squealing on beat, waving at you, and saying (still on beat), “Hi my name is Roxy!” 

Dirk groans, “Roxy we do strict freestyle. Stop upstaging us with Nicki.”

“C’mon Dirk you can do better than her, probably,” She grins and sits down next to you. “You’re all good with rap and shit.”

“Yeah, but I don’t-” Dirk is once again cut off.

“Yo, Roxy, this is Tavros,” Dave gestures to you.

“Nice to meet you,” She says, waving, “how’s school treating you?”

“It’s been, uh, fine, I… I guess,” You say, shrugging slightly.

“Can you rap what’s happened so far?” Dave asks. He starts to beatbox. Dirk probably starts to cry. You’re pretty sure Dave is messing with you but you rap anyway.

“Well it’s been a good day so far, but a-all I had to eat was a granola bar, I made some friends, I guess, and uh. . . I wanna eat.” 

Roxy claps at the end of the rap, laughing and bumping your shoulder with hers. “Sounds good, Tav. You’re cool with being called Tav, right?”

“Sure,” You say. No one would have even thought to ask you that at your old school. You eat your lunch and look around, not recognizing anyone.

You ask if anyone has PE next, earning you three no’s. You sigh. That was the one class you were most anxious about. You decide to distract yourself for now and talk to Roxy, Dirk and Dave.

**Tavros== > Go to PE.**

Ugh FUCK NO. You HATE this stupid class.

You enter the gym, holding your bag of gym clothes to your chest tightly. You talk with a teacher for a bit, thanking every deity out there that you have good parents, and head into the boy’s locker room. You glance around, trying to see if you can recognize anyone. You see the clown guy from your art class, but decide not to approach him. He’s got his shirt pulled over his head and he’s just standing there like he's having the time of his life.

Picking a locker in the back, you change as quick as you possibly can, hoping no one can see you, and dash out as fast as you can.

“You went into the wrong locker room,” someone says, grabbing your shoulder. “That's the boys.”

Your heart drops to your stomach. You blink twice, trying to stop yourself from shaking. You stand up straighter and say, “I'm pretty sure I- I know what locker room to use.” You walk away, trying to appear as confident as possible. You look back, and upon seeing that he's gone, you let out a sigh of relief and resume your usual bad posture.

**Tavros== > Get knocked over.**

You turn back to continue walking, and right as you do so, someone rams right into you. The wind is knocked right out of you! Now, you aren't a particularly big or tall person. You're literally a five foot one stick (You’re still taller than Vriska though). It's not hard to knock you over. But whoever this was, they were taller and weighed a lot more than you. Your head hits the floor with a loud thud, and whoevers on top of you makes you feel like you're being crushed.

“Agh, fuck,” they say. You open up your eyes and /wow/ this feels like you're in an unrealistic romance centered fanfiction. Since when have you ever seemed like the right candidate for an unrealistic romance centered fanfiction?

“Wow, uh... y-your face is… close to mine.” FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY THAT!? “A-and you're on top of... me.” SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!! “My head hurts.” SHUT oh wait that's reasonable. You really don't want to make a scene, but the high pitched shrieking sound you made when he ran into you probably caused everyone to look right at you. Damn your stupid voice!

“Holy fucking mackerel!” the person exclaims with extreme alarm, getting up. “Do you need me to scurry you over to the nurse?” The look of concern on his face literally makes your stomach drop. Don’t??? Mess this up??? 

“I- uh…” You pause. You don't want to waste anyone's time, so you say, “No- no thanks, I'm good.” You're slightly dizzy from (all the blood rushing to your cheeks) hitting your head, but you're trying your best not to look like it. It's a lot easier when you're lying on the ground. You sit up, then decide ‘fuck it’ and stand all the way up. You almost topple over, but catch yourself.

“You sure you're alright, chum?” You nod. “Sorry I sprinted right into you and nearly knocked you coldcocked.” PHRASING JESUS FUCK YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT COLDCOCKED MEANS! Stupid brain!!!!

“Uh.”

“I'm Jake,” he sticks out his hand, “Jake English.” His teeth sort of stick out like he needs braces but they make his smile all the more great. His flippy hair and rectangular glasses looks really fucking dorky but DAMN. Hey, didn't Dirk mention someone named Jake? Mental note: bring that up. Mental note number two: forget all about “In Jake’s ass we trust”. Mental note number three: you are not going to look at his ass.

“That explains the.. your accent.” You shake his hand awkwardly. Wow, your skin looks like milk in comparison to his light brown hand. It’s warm and nice. You haven't held anyone's hand since elementary school. Wait what. “I-I’m Tavros.” 

Jake smiles. “How are you doing, Tavros?” He puts a hand on your shoulder, noting your balance.

“Well, my head hurts, but you seem like you could catch me next time. You look very strong.” SURE JUST BRING UP HIS MUSCLES NEXT. You chuckle awkwardly, hoping he doesn’t notice the entirety of your shitty being. That, however, is highly unlikely.

“Thanks!” He beams and puts his hand on his bicep, “Thought I might be getting too big.” HOOOOOOOO BOY. 

“Nope,” You mumble, not looking down. You wobble again. He puts a hand on your shoulder, your face flushes, the cycle of stupidity, awkwardness, and embarrassment continues. FUCK.

“You sure you don’t need to go off to the nurse, I wouldn’t mind being with you in the office.” He smiles, “We’d get out of class anyway.”

“No, no, it’s fine,” You say, putting your hand over his without thinking. WHAT ARE YOU DOING. “I don’t want to cause problems.”

“I doubt a little guy like you could do much in the way of causing problems,” He says, and chuckles. You force yourself to laugh, slightly uncomfortable with your own insecurities being joked about by people other than yourself. You glance to your left, where the guy who told you that you were in the wrong locker room was saying something to a few people. They laughed, and you looked away, hoping they weren't talking about you.

The teacher tells everyone to get into teams of eight for volleyball, which you happily do. It gives you more time to talk to Jake!

“That's her!”

“Or I guess we should just call her ‘it’ instead.”

“I guess Jake's not gay anymore if he's being seen with her.”

You tense up, scrunching your face up and gritting your teeth. “I’m- I’m going,” you say, trying to take a step forward to sprint into the nearest small space and curl into a ball and die.

“Tav?”

One of them mocks being scared. “Oh no, it's angry.”

“Don't- don’t call me that again,” you say, a lot quieter than you meant to.

“What's going on here?” Jake asks, placing a hand on your shoulder and turning around to face them.

“Oooh Jake’s got a girlfriend!”

You stomp on the floor, turning on your heel. “We.. we just met! A-and how can I be a-anyones girlfriend if I’m- if- not- I’m not a-a girl?!”

“Yeah, what are you boneheads talking about? He uses the boys locker room, doesn't he?” Jake states.

“I SAW her bra! She doesn't even have nice tits!”

Jake huffs. “A bra doesn't make someone a girl! He could just be wearing it for the hell of it! As a joke! Or you cockwads could just be complete buffoons who think you're funny for spying on someone who's changing. Ahahaha, can't you see I'm laughing my caboose straight off the rails? A lot of people were injured in the tragic derailment. It's quite a shame you weren't there to watch it destroy my faith in you detestable cucks.”

“A-also, uh, w-w-wouldn’t staring at uh, at a another guy who’s changing be completely not hetero, or would you… need to say no homo or something. Call me bro, and then it’s not gay? I don’t, I’m pretty sure I heard nothing of- of the sort. Yeah.”

“Exactly right. He’s twenty times the man any of you cowards are. Real men can recognize another man and aren’t scared of sexualities. Come on, Tav, we're going somewhere else, away from bigoted assholes.”

He grabs your wrist and joins someone's team. You barely have time to stutter an apology or ask if he actually knows what a cuck is before he puts his hands on your shoulders, looking you in the eye with concern and saying, “Heavens to murgatroyd! You okay, Tavvie? Those cockamamie goof offs think it's okay to insult anyone who isn't like them for the hell of it!”

You nod, still shaking from the encounter. “Uh… thanks, Jake. I owe you one.”

“Don’t mention it. My sister Jade is trans too, and she used to get a metric fuck ton of bullshit. It's plain silly! Why would they care? It's not like it affects them in any way proportional to how it affects you. What bastards.”

“It’s pretty cool that you’re, cool… with… with it.”

**Tavros== > Spend the rest of PE chatting up a storm with this guy.**

You proceed to do so. You seem to share an interest in a bit of adventuring. Him with actually going outside by himself galavanting around, and you with probably someone else because you get scared by most things, including yourself.

“My word, I am rather looking forward to getting my mits around a copy of Tomb Raider sometime soon, considering the global age of exploration has been done for scores, and I must get a taste of adventure.”

You’re SO tempted to ask if he was inspired by Lara Croft in the booty shorts department but NO you’re NOT. “I don’t usually play too many games. Like- uh, Vriska has a whole console and everything, but I’m not sure she knows the concept of sharing.”

“People can be real ninnies about things like that! I wouldn’t mind having you over for a short play. The system is a bit rudimentary but it does it’s job,” he offers. WHAT!? DID?? WHAT IN THE??? HECK?

“Hella.”

You talk for a teensy bit more before everyone is told to go change. You follow him into the locker room, the two of you still chatting up a storm. Turns out his locker was only a few away from yours. You're… not sure if this is a good or a bad thing.

FUck. You did. Not. Think this through. Usually, you would just change in a corner, taking a minute to scold yourself for not taking your binder off, put on your clothes, and walk out without any distractions other than your own lack of confidence and your self-hatred.

“So, Tav, what's your next class? I have good old theatre arts to look forward to. How about you?”

Now, you're distracted by the fact that someone is TALKING to YOU and he’s HOT and TAKING HIS SHIRT OFF. Jake doesn't seem to notice that you have stopped moving, your shirt partially taken off, while you're staring at him. Jesus… fuck… holy.. Shit.

“You alright, Tavmeister? You seem a bit discombobulated.” Fuck! Jake’s asking you a question! Think, Tavros, think! Say something!

“Are you gay?” You mentally inhale sharply and ask yourself why you are like this.

Jake frowns. “Just because I fancy theatre doesn't mean I'm-”

“Oh what, n-no I, uh,” you pause, scratching your chin, “I met Dirk? And I’m pretty sure… uh I think that the motto ‘In Jake's Ass We Trust’ was referring to you.’”

He snorts while putting his shirt on. “Well I can't come up with a rebuttal for that.”

**Bell== > Ring.**

**Tavros== > Go to theatre.**

Lucky you!! Jake’s going there as well, as previously mentioned. He heads to the bathroom after you enter the room. You finally get an actually good look at this chick Vriska has been prattling on and on about. She has literally the most hideous combinations of neon clothes. Shirt, vest, skirt, thigh highs, and fucking. CROCS.

“Heyyyyyyyy Tav,” Vris says, grinning. Her blue lipstick is smudged with the teal that was on Terezi’s. Damn it! Vriska got a girlfriend before you did! Well, it’s not really unexpected. Plus, they’ve known each other for a long time online and Vriska has had a huge crush on her for a while. You’re still mad, though.

“Hey Vris.” You approach her and Terezi, “Terezi, right? That’s your name? I only know you by your screen name and Vris talking about you.”

“That’s me,” Terezi confirms. “And you’re Tav.”

“Hella,” you say, quickly dabbing out of impulse.

“Wow, Tav, what a solid dap!”

“Nevermind Terezi, this isn’t my brother, I made a mistake. I’ve never met this man before.” Vriska gently pushes you away, sticking her middle finger up at you. “Real brothers don’t embarrass their sisters in front of cute girls.”

You frown, “Actually brothers are-”

“How would I know anything on the sort, unknown stranger? I clearly don’t have a brother. I am a single child.” Vriska sticks her tongue out at you, and Terezi cackles.

“Tavros don’t worry you can be my brother,” Dirk, who just appeared out of literally nowhere, says.

Terezi scoffs. “You already have three siblings, Dirk. The world doesn’t need more Strilondes. They’re not ready.”

Your eyes widen. “There’s four!???? Where’s the other!?” you ask dramatically, slapping your hands on your cheeks and gasping.

“You’ll never know, Mr. Nitram,” says a voice from behind you. You whip around, scared shitless, and see a short, chubby girl with short and straight blonde hair. Her bangs cover her eyes for the most part. She looks goth, but also fancy as hell. What's with all the heavy makeup? And the long ass skirt? She's wearing a white sweater too, and it doesn't appear to have any smudges of makeup on it. Damn. Everything about that got damn family confuses you. 

“Is this the new student, Rose?” Another girl walks up beside Dirk’s sister. “You’re pestering him, I presume.”

“Striking fear into his heart. Please do not belittle my efforts, darling,” Rose smiles up at her and carefully picks a piece of lint off the other girl’s sleeve.

“I wouldn’t say you struck fear in my heart exactly,” You say softly, definitely still startled after she struck fear in your heart.

“I’d hope not,” She says. “I’m Kanaya.” She reaches her hand out for you to shake. You shake it, smiling awkwardly. She looks even fancier than Rose. Apparently the two have a thing for long skirts. Kanaya’s is red, like her earrings and lipstick. She has black hair, even shorter than Rose’s, and dark skin.

“I’m Tavros,” you reply.

Jake enters the room right as the bell rings. He greets you and sits down in a chair, almost knocking it over. He motions for you to come sit with him and you do. He puts his feet up on the table right as someone walks in and another person says, “Oh hey here comes the SSL”.

The SSL, an average height dude in a bright red turtleneck and a mess of red hair, clears his throat and crosses his arms. “Excuse me, English, but I would very much prefer you to not dirty up these tables with your feet.”

“Righto, Kankers,” Jake lifts his feet up and turns around in his seat, leaning on the back of the chair. You turn around in your seat and mimic his actions to get a better look at the class.

“Do not call me that,” Kankri mutters, just loud enough for you and Jake to hear. You giggle and Jake snorts quietly. “Alright class, there are two new students today and I expect all of you to give them a warm welcome since Mrs. Johnson has left me in charge of this class yet again. I will now do attendance.”

“Eridan Ampora?”

“Here.”

“John Egbert?”

“Hi.”

You lean over to Jake and whisper, “He seems kinda… like a tightass.”

“Yes, he’s quite the prattling jerkwad,” Jake responds.

“Caliborn English?”

“Take a guess, cuck.”

“Don’t talk to me like that, Caliborn. Calliope English?”

“Present!”

You turn to Jake again. “Are they related to you?”

“Jake English?”

Jake raises his hand slightly and says, “Howdy.” He turns to you and responds with, “Nah, we just have the same last name.”

You drown out Kankri’s boring, Jesse Eisenberg sounding voice by crossing your arms over the back of your chair and resting your head on them and observing the class. The other Englishes skin is pale and they’re short and thin, and they have brown eyes. Caliborn’s head is shaved, and he’s wearing a ratty black t-shirt, jeans, and red suspenders. Calliope has on a black bandana with green swirly patterns on it, wearing a buttoned green jacket and leggings. You think she had some form of cancer, because she doesn’t seem to have any eyebrows or eyelashes. The two of them have medical face masks on, colored dark green with swirls on the cheeks; red for Caliborn and green for Calliope.

Sitting next to Dirk and Dave is a guy who looks somewhat like Jake, but he’s taller, thinner, and his skin’s a little lighter and he has blue eyes. He has unruly hair and glasses. Is that a ghostbusters t-shirt? That doesn’t even look like slimer though. It looks like a fat blob of green with a smiley face on it.

Talking to Rose is a somewhat tall twig with black and purple hair and light brown skin. He’s wearing violet lipstick and a blue and navy scarf. He has a black turtleneck and ridiculous blue and black striped leggings. What the fuck, dude. The stripes go down. That is not how striped leggings should look. Where would he even find them? He must’ve scoured the internet for years trying to find those.

A girl comes in late and hands a pass to Kankri. “Damara says hi.”

“Good, I was just about to mark you absent, Aradia,” Kankri responds. “And tell Damara that I have had enough of her sickening inappropriate actions and that I hope she’s feeling better. She’s missed a lot of school, and I’m worried for her attendance.”

A tall, muscular boy with dark skin and long black hair pulled into a ponytail pushes his welding goggles up to his forehead and says, “I do hope she’s alright.” He wipes his hands on his ratty brown jacket. He’s got dark blue eyes, and the sides of his head are shaved like yours. You wish you had the confidence to grow your hair out like that. Maybe dye it red like Rufioh did.

She sits down next to Jake and ruffles his hair with a laugh. She’s heavyset and curvy, wearing a big red sweater and a short black skirt and thigh highs. Her thick, curly bangs cover up her eyes. Her hair is in pigtails, and the clips have decorative skulls on them. She has light tan skin and maroon lipstick on. She smiles at you and you awkwardly smile back. Can’t be too bad, she seems like she’s friends with Jake.

“Tavros!” Jake elbows you, and you yelp and look around.

“I’m assuming you’re Tavros Nitram?” Kankri asks, an annoyed look on his face.

Fuck! You were too busy looking at people creepily to realize that your name had been called for roll call! “Uh, yeah. Yeah I’m here.”

“Next time, try to come back to Earth, Tavros. Pay attention when I’m speaking.”

You rest your head on your hand and say, “W-well, uh, i-it’s a little hard to listen- to- to pay attention when you sound like a more, um, talkative Jesse Eisenberg. Like, that blue bird dude from that movie with the blatantly heterosexual blue birds a-and the girl and the bird doctor guy.”

Kankri rolls his eyes. “There is nothing wrong with a film where the two main couples are heterosexual-”

“Hey buoys and gills I heard heterosexshoal and came in so I cod sea who the strait beach is.” A girl slams open the door with a condescending look on her face. Her whole being seems condescending. Or, well, seams. She’s tall, muscular, and curvy, with eyebrow piercings and pink glasses. Her black hair is in two long, tight braids, and her skin is dark brown with pink lipstick and pink eyeliner. She’s wearing a pink crop top and ripped jeans with an excessive amount of jewelry. She smirks, looking around in her cool, punkish way.

“Meenah, you’re late again. Go to the office for a pass.” Kankri points to the door.

Meenah laughs and shoves a slip of paper down Kankri’s turtleneck. “Already got one.” He makes a weird noise and grabs the pass, throwing Meenah a look as she sits down on one of the tables adjacent to yours. “I’m guessfin Kankers is the strait heterosexshoal. Five sanddollars says I’m right.”

Kankri has a very exasperated look on his face. “Meenah, would you please stop with all of your fish puns? We have two new students and you’re making a bad first impression.”

“Shell no,” she says. “Those glubbin squids gotta reelize that I’m the queen of fish puns. Where are those guppies, anyway?” She turns towards Vriska. “You seam new. How’s the school of fishies?”

Vriska smirks and replies, “Booooooooring. Especially the SSL.”

Meenah lets out a hoot and wraps her arm around Vriska’s shoulder. “Sea? This gill gets it. Who’s the other kiddo. Gotta shoal them what I’m all aboat.”

“Meenah, stop hitting on the sophomores,” Kankri scolds.

Terezi points to Meenah. “Yeah, Meenah, stop hitting on the sophomores!” She grabs Vriska from Meenah’s grasp and licks her face. Vriska pointedly makes a noise of disgust and wipes her face on Terezi’s chest.

“Alright, I sea ya got your eye on that one, Terezi, now who’s the other guppie?” Meenah smirks and stretches out in her chair. You raise your hand slightly, then lower it, and raise it again a little higher. It is then lowered once again as you have gotten Meenah’s attention.

“He’s right here, Meenah! Say howdy howdy, Tavvers.” Jake pokes you in the cheek.

You raise your hand yet again and say, “Howdy howdy.”

Meenah raises an eyebrow and hunches her shoulders, making a long and drawn out ‘hmmmmmmm’ sound. “Somefin’s not right here, you squids look like those dumb bass genderswaps.” She claps loudly, and shouts, “Oh my glub, you two are fins!”

The whole class, or at least those who are actually paying attention to this conversation, is probably doing something akin to raising a single one of their eyebrows in question. Meenah’s grin turns upsidizzly down. 

“You know, twins? Fins? Queen of fish puns, Meenah Peixes?” She gets all up in your face and smirks. “Don't tell me ya up and forgot all aboat that, Tavvers? Weird name.”

“Uh, it's actually Tavros, miss almighty queen of nautical references.”

Meenah smiles and points a finger at you. “You're tryna suck up to me, aren't you.”

“Yeah.” You look to the side awkwardly. “Uh, yep. Yeah.”

Kankri storms up to Meenah, mumbles an incoherent phrase, and says, “Meenah!”

“I was naught saying it like it was a bad thing!”

“In what realm of any existence-”

Jake taps you on the shoulder. You exit the conversation to look at him and rest your head on your arms again. He grins and mimics your position. “Meenah’s such a card. I can already tell you two are going to get along swimmingly.” You can almost hear the mental high five he gives himself. 

You scratch your chin. “You, uh, really think so?”

“I mean, she's been pretty fond of me ever since I told her that fish used to be slang for freshman.”

“Really?” you ask. 

Jake nods, leaning more towards you and placing his hand on your shoulder. “You bet your butt it was. Sometimes I forget some slang doesn't still exist. Hell, I almost called our run-in at gym a boner for pete’s sake! It's certainly not false, though.”

God Damnit. He made yet another innuendo without realizing it! You hope he soon realizes just how oblivious he is to all these raunchy things he’s accidentally saying.

“Haha yeah, yup. Quite the boner, if I do say so myself.” You miiiiiiiiight have gone a little overboard yourself there. But he. Doesn’t. Even. NOTICE. He just nods his head. 

“Meenah, you have wasted plenty of time distracting the whole entire class and we haven't even begun starting this year’s show yet.” You hear Kankri say this before he blows his whistle to get the classes attention.

“I call being the gay one!!!” Terezi yells. 

Kankri sighs. “This is Romeo and Juliet, there are not any gay characters.”

“I raise you an argument,” you say, “which is Mercutio and Benvolio.”

“Me and Vriska call those rolls!”

“No! Please understand that this requires an actual audition!” Kankri coughs. “Now, this year's production will be small since Mrs. Johnson is leaving me to direct it and I don't have the ability to get more money from the school. Sign up sheets for acting roles and stage crew will be by the projector and will only be here through the rest of this week. Put your full name and up to three characters you wish to tryout for. With stage crew, put your name and write things on the list next to it that you are able to help with.”

Terezi and Vriska rush to the projector cart, followed by Eridan yelling, “I w-want Romeo!” and Caliborn saying, “Yeah so maybe you can get the illusion of being in a relationship for once!”

“You planning on auditioning, Jake?” Aradia asks.

He gives her a thumbs up. “Definitely. How about you?”

“I was just thinking stage crew,” she responds. “I'm not the best at acting.”

Jake puts his hand on his hip. “Malarkey! Downright utter nonsense. You're a master of roleplaying, Aradia, acting should be a cakewalk.” You want to chime into the conversation, because you and Vriska LOVE roleplaying. 

She laughs. “Oh, no no, I would much prefer to work backstage. How about you? Tavros, right?” Aradia leans over to look at you with a genuine smile.

“I like roleplaying too,” you say and kick yourself mentally for the umpteenth time today.

Aradia smiles. “I guess I should introduce you to the D&D club, but I was thinking more along the lines of the play.”

“Yeah. Um, I’m not entirely sure. I just got here and I don't want to strut around and reveal just how utterly magnificent my mad skills are, not unlike that of a peacock. Spreading it's tail feathers for everyone to see and say, ‘Wow, look, it's that new kid, Tavros, who is so maddeningly sick. Not sick as in he has swine flu, but sick referencing his level of coolness.’”

Jake giggles. “Well I would never want to stop you from displaying your character. We all tremble from how great you look while reciting sonnets like teenage girls and bland mediocre white pop artists, never getting enough of you.” He pauses. “Except that, of course, just by the looks of it no matter what you do it'll be better than bland celebrities.”

Was that… a compliment? No, it couldn't have. He just compared you to people like the highlighter head from twenty piledrivers. “Yeah, yup. That's me.”

 **Tavros== > Sign up for stage crew because you have no acting talents whatsoever.**

Yeah. Sounds about right.


End file.
